The Brotherhood's Bootleg Bargain Bin

“What you don’t understand, m’lord, is that it is the conveniences of modern science that have allowed the necromantic arts to flourish”—the phials and trinkets at the belt of his robes clacked as he waved his hands in emphasis—“even as young would-be arcanologists are swayed to the study of miscellaneous lesser-ologies. Let me show you—“

Neils Deepgaze, evening clerk of the Brotherhood of Bargain Blood, cut himself off as he stepped through the wall. I wondered if he was going to show me the man cursed with acres of skin again, the secret behind their mass production of flesh-bound tomes. Sighing, I sidled through the thin passageway labeled “PEON ENTRANCE” and clunked past closets and cubby-holes I knew were stuffed with passably-magical junk that had been herded into to the brotherhood’s obsessive care. Over the years Neils and dozens of other clerks had rambled about things like…

1. A high performance cat cable rescued from the litter.
2. A heavy shoebox labeled “single use antique tables, for parties”.
3. A dry-erase marker whose ink is always the same color as the board.
4. A gently worn leather couch that purrs when sat upon. The cushions are very warm.
5. An ice pack that never stops getting warmer after it’s taken out of the
   freezer.
6. A carpenter’s level that frantically pushes away from any uneven surface it approaches.
7. An extremely sharp butter knife. It wishes it could messily carve a steak, slice or skewer crisp and juicy chicken, playfully flay a misplaced finger—anything but spread another year of margarine on whole grain toast.
8. An ornate cherrywood box about the same size as your grandfather’s hand. The inscription reads, “Contains 8th deadly sin. Please do not open yet.”
9. A picture frame that always tilts itself. Away from the wall.
10. A floating question mark that sneaks into conversations and messes with intonation?
11. A pair of chopsticks charmed to bless any food with heavenly flavor, but the taste goes straight to hell if they touch your lips.
12. A bag of chip. Some time after the chip is eaten, the bag re-seals and inflates into another bag of chip.
13. An infinitely unfoldable bolt of elaborately tailored denim resulting from an attempt to conjure “one pants”.
14. A plush octopus stuffed with bugs that don’t come out.
15. A normal-looking universal remote control that can configure any cat.
16. A coin that always lands on your head.
17. Tea that has wildly different flavor and caffeine content for every second of steep time.
18. A set of glass cups that huddle closer together if left alone.
19. A silver spoon stamped with persistently sticky letters.
20. A carton of “shampoo eggs”.
21. An elegant scarlet ribbon that stains bright crimson the pages of any book closed around it.
22. A tasty recipe book. Many pages are missing.
23. A thick tome that grows in length whenever its leather teeth consume a fellow book. Will the sequel write itself?
24. A rechargeable battery alpaca.
25. A green velvet purse stuffed with pieces of all the numbers from one to nine.
26. A scratchy fabric-bound spiral notebook that erases anything written on the back of a page.
27. A notebook whose contents you’ll never forget.
28. An opaque tupperware container accurately labeled “Chez Mix”.
29. A CAPS LOCK KEY THAT ISN’T ATTACHED TO A KEYBOARD BUT STILL SEEMS TO WORK.
30. A box fan that spins the whole box.
31. A c*n of d*rty a*ter*sks. Ah, da*n, looks like th*y g*t out.
32. A tiny planet-shaped stress ball which crumbles and oozes warmth if you squeeze it.
33. A thirty-two-ounce water bottle that plays a little fanfare whenever you place it down.
34. A hard rubber massage ball that feels like it’s covered in tiny shards of glass whenever you roll it on a tight muscle.
35. A real pen from pen island. I’m serious.
36. A packet of laundry detergent that always reappears at the bottom of your hamper.
37. A blanket that tucks itself in around you at just the right places.
38. A little glass rainbow necklace that glitters when you smile.
39. A beautiful white origami rose that blooms, dies, and blooms again.
40. A pair of white six-sided dice whose pips sometimes wink at you.
41. A budget-friendly 52-card pickup deck. Too cheap to pick itself back up, but at least the cards stand up for you.
42. A teddy bear that’s totally normal, except that it knuckles make a cracking noise whenever the dog gives it a funny look.
43. A startling marble the old woman called “an eye of a tiger.” You feel fierce when you hold it.
44. A sorrow-inducing two-liter bottle of Pepsi. It’s the only thing to drink. You feel just wretched when you look at it. “Pepsi ok?” You thought it was, but now…
45. A mannnnnnnnnnnequin. Sorry, a mannnnnnnnnnequin. A mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnequin. Whenever your gaze passes it, the world seems to slow down and you can’t focus on anything else.
46. A packet of grey powder labeled “tinnitus dust.” Once it gets into your sinuses, you can hear it for days.